Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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