My girlfriend figured out who you are.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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