my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
