i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
