A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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