I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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