I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize