Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
