We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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