He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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