Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
