Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
His hands were made for my vagina.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
jump out the window naked night went bad
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