OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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