I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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