We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize