Tell her she can't have a vagina
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
