you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
