he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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