she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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