If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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