Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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