totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
