He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i think my cat just said my name.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
