And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
