Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize