Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
