I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
