hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
