My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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