Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
