WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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