my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
