I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
