so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's never too late to be topless.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
