Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
A bitchslap is in order.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
