farters have to be the big spoon...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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