Duck Duck Cougar?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
