I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
