Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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