i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
