It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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