If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
