uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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