Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
