Your mouth is God's brothel.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
