wrigley field is MILF paradise
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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