After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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