if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
