I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
