Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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