the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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