OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
