Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
