Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize