i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
