I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
