Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
