This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
