yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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