I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's blow job season.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize