can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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