So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
