I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
